A Hard Lesson

Hey all,

Yesterday was my birthday. I was proved again why planing a party or trying to do anything special never works for me. Sure there were a few texts , Facebook posts and 1 call, but otherwise the day passed with little fanfare and a lot of disappointment. The one person who really has nothing to do all day, who by the way had been excited about hanging out, never responded to any texts and then went on to say how much they loved me. Well the old adage of "it's actions not words" rings true.

Ok I might just be a little tough on this person. They do work the night shift and does have to sleep weird hours. However, as actions speak more than words, this hurt. What also hurt is no gifts. Not that I need anything or had something specific in mind that I wanted, but that doesn't mean that someone  (ie my husband) doesn't know what I like or had a list of things I wanted him to look for online. Instead of doing that he went to bed early every night. So when he got me my card, all he got was a box of chocolates. No real thought, just something there he grabbed to have something to give me. Now it's a nice thought and we did go out to dinner, which is something we don't always do. So it was a nice night and he tried. Still it would have been nice for something more thoughtful.

Granted I am having a party over the weekend. There are plans most of the weekend to help me celebrate. Even that though is not a source of happiness as it should. Some family members who go on about how they wanted to be around family and be there for special events for their family as well as for us, the extended family. Well almost 8 years ago (coincidentally, the last time I ever tried to do something on my birthday) same person as well as others put a bowling game in more importance then letting me plan my party on when I really had wanted it. I had to plan it on another day. Not so bad not having it on the day I turned 30, didn't have to be on the day so things worked out. Now all these years later, again actions speak, and bowling is on a different day and once again interfering with this family member coming. Though it could change and they would show up, it's still disappointing. Mentally I know that if it wasn't the first night and they would forfeit the game, the fact that that is more important to them then showing up and being there for me hurts. What also hurts is said family member stated that if I hadn't had the nerve to have a party the way I wanted, and just had family party like the rest of the family got, they would be there.

On top of that now people who once stated they were going are now backing out. So again as much as words are nice, it's the actions that speak. So once again something that was supposed to be a happy nice occasion being tempered b those not attending.

What also speaks is that on Facebook, whenever it's someone's birthday I make a point of saying happy birthday. Even if it's not someone who is a close friend or family. I do it. The fact that besides those who are closest to me, not one birthday wish. Of course now posting thanks to those who wished me a happy birthday, more people are sending wishes. In other words, not people who are sincere. So either I really don't mean anything at all to these people, or there are that many people who are that self absorbed they can't read their Facebook notices that reminds them of friends birthdays. It's not like they are not on it anyway posting or checking their wall. It just pisses me off that it just seems like I don't mean anything to people and their feelings, even if I'm not close means something to me. Got a lot of soul searching to do I guess.

I know it sounds like that I am depressed in these last few posts, but I'm not. I'm disgusted.

deeply trubled and sadened

Well friends I am back ! That's the good news The reason why I'm back is not. To get a real understanding of the current situation, let me take you back almost 9 years ago to the planing of my 30th birthday party. Wanted to host a party for family and friends for the milestone birthday. However, the year I was turning 30 by birthday landed on a Sunday.Now not a problem normally, but a lot of my family was on a bowling league. Yes don't laugh, bowling. It's something that my parents enjoyed when I was a child and once my brother moved back he wanted to bowl with his wife and my parents on a league. Long story short, at least 4 members of my family were on a league that stated the Sunday of my birthday. So needless to say as it's the first night for those not in the know, you decide a lot of things with the first meeting/night of season. Most of which will affect how much you have to pay. Needless to say the idea of family not being a part of my party distressed me. Needless to say tears ensued and my wonderful husband dried those tears and helped a compromise that we were all good with. Though I didn't really like it, I had the party the night before. I then went out with a small group of friends till after midnight so I'd be out on my birthday.  After that party, I really never tried to plan anything for it again. I figured as long as they bowled it would be pointless to try and set anything up without running into the same issues time and again.

So for the last eight years I have not really done anything for my birthday. That's not to say I didn't spend a nice day out and about with my hubby. I just never had a big party. This year I decided I wanted to do something nice for my birthday that wouldn't just be the 2 of us. I wanted a party so I can be around all the people who make up my life. The idea that family were supposed to spend time together and be there for these type of things, which is one of the reasons my brother moved back home after being away 16 years. So here I am trying to plan a party to celebrate my last year in my 30's and trying to get a head count and turns out some family members can't make it again due to bowling. Now some others can't make it and those I can understand. one is going away for basic training, the other and her fiance have plans that night and she already has to get time off of work for that. Now with the family members not not attending due to bowling will have 2 of there 4 kids miss out on party as well. So now I am down 4 from the 20 we gave the restaurant. I was thinking there were going to be more, not less. Look I get that the first night when part of a team is important and really can't be missed. I have a friend missing for bowling too, but she I can understand. It's the family I can't. God wants us to put family first. I feel that I am always being pushed aside and forced to do things I don't want to do because others won't  be there for me.

Family member in question stated that the day after my party I could always just do one just the family at my parents house. I just didn't want to do the half assed party that would entail. I wanted to avoid that by having this party on my terms. I know the family member in question really wants to go and depending on things may still be able to go, but it's just hurtful that I can't count on them to be there for me when I need them. It's just disappointing that I come in 2nd to a game. It feels like it's always something. I have to make concessions for them if I want them to be a part of things, but they won't for me if I had something that would stop me from attending one of their events.  

Even more excited !!

So it's now a day before the event and I was still expecting to have to go back and forth to be able to set aside the books I would need to be able to attend the event I've been looking forward to since April when the book tour was cannoned. I can now say that things have finally worked themselves out as I hoped they would. I now have the books pre ordered and will be able to just collect what I need at the time of the event with out a lot of hoopla. I am grateful that the event coordinator was able to get back with me finally and had taken care of what needed to be done to make attending this even a less painful and more enjoyable one. Now all I have to do is get to event, meet up with an old friend and just enjoy. I am glad to say that is not anther want to do things that lands on my regret list instead of the I am so glad I did that list. I am at that time in my life where I am suppose to not be adding to, but reducing that list and I am glad to say that it's happening!! I am so grateful to husband for be understating about my wanting to go and not giving me an issue about going. I am grateful to my niece, whom has no interest in this author in any way, but was willing to say "sure I'll go if you want" just to go and spend time with me. I am glad everything is finally coming together for this. I am slightly sorry that the event isn't today and today is the day the book comes out. I know fans at her first stop tonight are going to be crazy excited. I am so tempted to go out and get the book, even though I have a signed one (even better then just getting a first edition) waiting for me. I almost don't want to read the signed one. I am so torn about it.Anyone who feels the way I do about books, especially hardcover first editions will understand. Stay tuned for more about the event and the book !

Getting excited

Hello all !

Well I am getting excited for an event coming up that I am going to be lucky enough to attend. Anyone who has read any of my more recent blogs knows that I LOVE  Laurell K Hamilton. Anything she's written and any event she attended that was filmed. As we are getting close to her latest Anita Blake novel release, I am happy to announce that I am going to be lucky enough to be able to finally attend one of these events in person. She is only putting on a few of these for this latest novel. One of these is finally going to be near enough to where I live that it would be fees-able to even consider attending. So with that being said, a plan was hatched to make it happen. So now I am pleased to announce that I will be definitely be going and am so happy. Though it wouldn't be me if something didn't happen that would make this possibly not happen. There was an event that occurred a few days ago that almost kept me from being able to go. Even though I would have been saddened to not make it, for what happened I wouldn't grudge for one moment having to miss out. Not to say I wouldn't be disappointed, but... Thankfully I don't have to make that choice. Of course there was the typical bull that my corporate job puts me through when it comes to getting time off. It started when I found out about the event months ago and immediately put in for the time off. Of course it was denied and I had to fight for it for the last 2 months so I could go. Ironically the same day that the event occurred that would have kept me from going, is the day that my job finally approved the time off. Of course the job wasn't the aspect making this difficult. Some rules set up regarding the event tend to make it difficult for out of towners to attend. It's almost like they don't want the tourist money that would be raised for 2 people needing a hotel and food and just in general spending money in there city. So trying to work with the people of the store hosting the event has been good, but lots of phone tag and still the pre-order is not done. Days before the event and I can't say that I am impressed with how it's being handled. The person is pleasant enough, but I just don't understand why it's got to be so hard. I didn't want to have to go back and forth and back and forth from where I am staying and where the event is being held. Though at this point I have no choice but to do this and leave earlier then I had intended . Though I am just glad to be attending. I am also glad to be seeing an old friend I haven't seen in over a decade. Things usually have a way of working out and I am hoping that in all the stress and obstacles faced to get to the event, the more I will enjoy and hold dear the memories that attending will make.

On a slightly, but not all different note, a co-worker who is a published author whom talked to me about his writing group is now back at work in my office. I am glad to report that not only did we resume our friendship and talks about writing again, but have someone whom I can reach out to and be able to get advice from and play ideas off of. I am so pleased with this outcome that I can only say this gets my writing juices flowing again and that my book is only going to be all the stronger for it.

New Year

Well friends, it's that time of year again. A time where we all make lists of things we want to do or goals we want to accomplish. It's also the time of year when these mostly go unfulfilled within hours of being set. I know I have made mention before that finishing my book was my gold/resolution. In a way I have fulfilled this by working on it throughout the years. Smaller goal of just to write whether on here, fb, my personal journal, something, anything to just write. This advice was provided by my favorite author, Laurel K Hamilton. It is something I take to heart when I hear her give this advice when she does interviews or does any con visits. So to start the new year with same goals in mind, being closer then I had been to making it come true, I am posting this blog tonight.

Why you may ask am I not out or preparing to go out to bring in the new year. Quite frankly, it's because I wasn't asked. I used to have standing plans with a friend, but she now goes off and does her own thing. What about my husband you ask? Well I'll tell you. The few time when we were dating and were together on new years eve, which was only twice, 1 of those times we went out, the other time we stayed at my house with my parents and he feel asleep on my couch. Ever since we've been married, we really haven't done much. We had a few gatherings once in awhile at our place, but nothing big or really planed out. Trouble is you have to know what you want to do, ask your intended guests, and be prepared for them. The few times we had company on this night, it was always last minuet thrown together and finding those who didn't already have plans that could attend.  Usually this was because a day or so before the "big event" my husband would finally decide that he wanted company or to do something. Well I heard him talking to his Dad and he must have asked what our plans were and my husband replied "nothing ever since coming to this dump." Like there are not places throwing parties or restaurants having activities or extended hours. No he comes home in a pissy mood on purpose. Doesn't talk to me and proceeds to fall asleep in his chair as early as possible and pretends like I don't want to do anything or that we can't still go somewhere. His plans are to sleep the night away and then in the morning take all the Christmas things down. So I get to sit around by myself, kiss no one like I was back in middle school and not really dating yet, though I have someone to kiss, and bring in the new year all by my lonesome. To top it off. I get to use the only day I get off for this holiday doing all the work of putting the house back in order. It's not like last week were I got the day after Christmas off too. At least for me anyway. He gets tomorrow and Friday off, plus the weekend. Who will be doing all the work he insists gets done? Me. Though I'll stay up till midnight and he's the one with all the rest.

Enough of the rant though. Back to my original thought. So many people say  new year new me and similar phrases. Too many of us forget or break those things too early in the new year to have even really attempted them. That is why my goal is to stay steady on the course I have recently taken to get my book completed. I know I am the type that needs a dead line or else I'll procrastinate as long as I can, just like most people. Though with the new hours that just started before all this holiday stuff got in the way I have a steady plan in place to meet this goal. I believe in the not so far future I will have that book completed. I am hoping so anyway. So while I am at least ending this year on a note that gets me moving in the direction I want the new year to go in, though not happily, I wish you and yours all the best in the upcoming year. May you all set goals that are achievable so you don't want to give up at the first sign of failure.

Here's to the New Year !!!!!!!!   

Beyond fustrated

Please forgive this little rant, but I can't seem to get passed a few things that happened at work today without writing about it and get it out of my system this way, before it eats away at me and ruins what could/should be a nice relaxing evening with my husband. He being in good spirits and my mood putting a shadow over it, I just need a release. So here it is:

Some people at work need to stop being duplicitous. If you are a person in a position where you have underlings of any kind, you need be sure that you treat everyone under you in the same manor. You SHOULD not extend curtsies to some and not others. An example of this is when you have people who have vacation time left to use before the end of the year and you know this and one person has come to you with a request to use that time and you ignore it and don't respond to it and make that person hunt you down to ask you for a response to that request and you fluff it off and another person under you asks for time off and you make sure she gets it. This does nothing to instill confidence in your leadership abilities. This does not make people want to jump up and yell their support for you. I thought this was a work place, not high school, though I guess when the person in question was a former student of mine and not too long out of high school, I guess this is not a surprise. I know I am not great shakes at instilling confidence in myself as I don't carry myself with confidence and it shows to others. I hate this about myself and strive to fix this about myself.

The other incident at work that bothers me is this: why if someone above you has no issue with something that is happening and all but basically pushed the situation on me, why would you go out of your way to make sure there is an issue. If the person above you doesn't seem to have an issue, then don't go out of your way to make sure there is one. I have done nothing to either person and the fact both seem to try and go out of their way to try and make my experience at this job uncomfortable and more stressful then it needs to be.

So to end this rant, please if you are a boss of any kind, remember that people notice things, talk to others, share what's happening and it doesn't always look good for you or the people you are supposed to be in charge of. If others see that you are treating someone a certain way, they will think there's a good reason as you are the boss and that doesn't help your people work as a team like you say you want them.

In other news, the new work hours I have now have renewed the good vibes in my marriage. I think  my husband and I haven't been closer. I am enjoying the companionship we have as we share the chores that seem tedious when doing them alone. We have encouraged each other to make it down to exercise. It's just been nice spending some down time together and still getting the chores out of the way. So in that aspect, work has been good to me.  

Crap !

That is the word that sums up this day for me. Had day off and was going to finish decorating for the holiday. What a joke! Earlier this week the lights I put up in the covered indoor porch didn't go well and still haven't figured out those yet. Today the lights for the tree once I went around it what felt like a million times don't work. Now the storm that was supposed be winding down is finally actually hitting us and really hope that it ends in time to not be terrible getting to work. My husband got to work from home today due to the pending storm, but now looks like it should have been tomorrow that we both were home, not today. I just feel defeated. Every time I think I am going to give/get a good holiday, the worse it gets. I so want to have those feel good holidays like I had growing up and see on tv. I know those arn't true to form and no one can live up to them most of the time, but I want it anyway. My husband and I both long for those holidays when things seemed simpler. To be honest I just wish for help. One of the things I remember about growing up is that the whole family helped decorate for the holiday, not just one person. Yes Mom did most of it, but Dad cut down the tree, put up the lights outside with help from my brother, and put the lights on the tree and took care of it. That was before we got a artificial tree. Still he did the lights and got all the decorations for my Mom and us kids to put up. Last year I got some help with getting the decorations down and out, but that was it. I still had to put everything up and I had to do the porch lights myself. Why I could get them to work last year and not this year is still bothering me. Though I did those on my own I still has issued with some sections of lights not working and needed help from Dad with, but still. I am trying hard not to have to use him all the time for help because I know there will be time when he won't be able to or won't be around at all. I want to be able to do these things on my own. Where some husbands will go on latters and put up light mine won't. Unfortunately I am to short to carry the big later we have by myself and even though it's tall enough, the rungs are the narrow kind that make me feel unsteady so I don't like climbing it, even though I don't have issues with heights. So trying to stick to just the porch lights that I can do myself and it seems even though they all work (YAY) I can't get the one situation figured out to be able to turn them on.

The other issue is that whatever cold I had a few weeks ago that only went away for a week and now came back is not helping things. Also my husband has not been feeling well in a different way and is being a pain about trying to decorate and is making me not in the mood for this holiday at all on top of these other things that have gone wrong. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am trying to say my husband hasn't done anything, he just shoved us out and will probably do it again in the morning. He also worked all day and couldn't help when I was trying to do things. It's just that he wouldn't have if he hadn't been. It wouldn't have even occurred to him to ask if I needed it. That's the part that gets me. When he knew things weren't working with the lights he could have offered to drive me to the store during his lunch and get some new ones. Even if he had, getting back to the simpler times when we did these things separately with our family's growing up, we each did the tree as a whole family. We never do ours together. I have some specialty ornaments that are mine, he has some that our his and we have some that just the run of the mill regular ornaments. I put all of these on the tree and leave space for his and when he gets around to putting them on in the wee hours of the am when he's up and active on a weekend or before he goes to work. It's never really together and that's what I miss most.