I do everything WRONG !!

Hey all !!

Well thsi weekend just goes to show how every thing I do is wrong. I have known this for some time, but things happen to remind me in a very strong way sometimes that no matter what I do it's wrong.

For those who care, my husband was supposed to go see his frineds this weekend, which he was looking forward too. I went to work as normal and he left to go meet his frineds. Well I called once from work and no one answered and checked messages and no one called. I thought well he's gone that's that no one called. I get out of work and continue on with the plans I had created for myself to keep myself busy while he was away. I call to check to see if he called to let me know he got where he was going and he answers. SURPRISE !!! My first mistake was to come home from my parents house (whom I was visiting and had plans to do some things with my Mom)to be around because I knew my husband would be upset by not being able to go see his frineds and I thought @ least me being around would help him not be so upset or get too depressed. Well that didn't work. He didn't talk to me much and I could tell he wanted to be alone. So I finished using my computer after a little time, went and empied the dishwasher, started filling it again, and cleaned the floor and counters and stove. Then went in the bedroom and read for awhile. Mistake # 2 was to come back out and try and talk to him again. He was listing to his MP3 player and would only stop it for 2 seconds and wouldn't let me really say anything without having to talk above teh music or whatnot. So that was considered bugging/annoying him trying to ask him to do something with me even though it wouldn't be the same as hanging with his frineds. He dind't want to hear it or deal with me @ all or act like I was even there @ all. So I went back in teh bedroom because he stated he didn't want to be bothered and wanted me to leave him alone PERIOD !!! So I cancled the rest of my plans for my frined to come over and while he used the computer and living room, I stayed in teh bedroom, read, and then took a nice long unrushed shower and went in the kitchen and baked. Not too bad actually, but I hated feelign like I coudln't go in otehr part of the house in case it upset him again.

Sunday he was a little better, but still upset so when he didn't get ready to go to church I didn't care and left and did my own thing. Came home and things were ok. Then late that night I was tired, he was tired, he coudln't find a cover for his headset for his MP3 and threw it. So I find the missing cover and set his player on the table near him, and of course committed mistake # 3. I said I wish he dind't act like a baby sometimes when thigns are expensive like that player and he shouldn't throw it @ least. Of couse that leads to him feeling confronted and he lashes out and the ngiht ends badly.

Of course if you read his blog and his friends do, everyone thinks I go out of my to annoy him and mkae him miserable. I guess without meaning to do so I do. I don't blam him for feeling bad with the way I do thigns sometimes or things I say, though he does things that do the same to me, but for some reason that's ok. Of course his frineds don't have to live with him and must not really have an idea on how touchy living with him can be. Though I really don't help I guess. My attempts @ trying to be less bothersome to him and more understanding hasn't worked very well. Though as the title of this blog clues you in on, it's doesn't matter because somehow if I had done those things differently, the opposite decisions would have turned out wrong in some way too. So all these years I thought I was going to be able to find the right guy and things were going to work out just great, well I was wrong and it's not his fault, it has to do with me. I have some problems that I don't know what they are but some how got to work them out or I am just going to ruin this marragie more then I have. I guess his frineds were right and he shoudn't have come up here and shoudln't have married me unless I stayed there and even then things probably wouldn't work. I just can't seem to do things right.

To top all this crap @ home, work hasn't been goign well either. Few stupid mistakes and less production lately for some reason has made things there seem down too. So no matter where I am right now things are just not working. I think I need to do everyone a favor and find a place where I can be by myself, not ruin others lives and let my husband have the life he deserves to have with someone else before it's too late for him to be happy. For me happiness seems to allude me and doesn't seem to be something that will come with interaction with people.

I guess I know what needs to be done, though like him, I guess there is a part of me that doesn't want to do it. Though I am sure it will be best, though it doesn't feel like it. I don't know I guess I am just confused and upset by all that's gone on.

Good and Bad

Hey all !!

Well you caught me. I should be @ work right now, but we had a little bit of an ice storm this morning and it lasted well into the afternoon. When I called in it was still icy all over the place. The roads might have been ok in some spots, but the driveway wasn't. Neither were the tress as we discovered a big branch from a pine tree down in our yard. So I took off thinking that it was going to take longer then it did to clear up and when I would have left for work it was fine. However, the local radar is showing more rain and possible ice . I felt bad after calling in when I could have went to work. I shouldn't get in trouble so I am ok there, but still. I like to save those times for really bad weather or whatever. Though it should be ok for the rest of the week into next so no biggie there.

I used my time off to watch two movies I got for Christmas. One of them was Narnia. I know I was one of the few people who hasn't seen that one yet. Things happened and I wasn't able to get to the movies to see it when it came out and then never rented it either. That was cool. When that was done and we were eating, my hubby suggested picking another one and watching it. So I picked the otehr new movie Click. It's one of the Adam Sandler movies that I really like. I didn't get to see this in the theaters either. I am glad I watched it. I liked it a lot and as I watching my husband have a mix drink and listen to his MP3 player and fool around on his computer, I somehow think that we all coudl learn a little from that movie. Now it's the age old thing that everyone has said and you like to think it, but everyone goes after work and the money just like he was in the movie. My husbands that way too sometimes. He lives for always wanting the money and wating for it to come in, not realizing all that passes as he works all this overtime. Now it's not like I'd be home because I'd be @ work too. Though I could go to days if I wanted and forget the subbing (especially this year. No one wants me I guess for teaching), but for the family as far as making the most out of the little I get paid I stay on nights. So it is a lot of my fault that he's alone. Though we could make better use of the time we are together, but we do our best I guess.

Thank God for hugs

Hey all !!

Well last night was a total bust as those of you who read that blog know. Today the weather is not bad right now, but could still get a little icy though out the day. The hubby and I agreed that we really didn't want to go anywhere today. We both feel bad about missing church, but it's worth it to be safe and comfy. Plus it's a nice break from the usual crap that happens on a Sunday after Mass.

Not only that, but after the weird dream I had earlier this morning about my sister, I really didn’t want to face her because it really bothered me. Thank God for hugs. They make things so much better sometimes. This time my husband was ready with a lot of them. Being wrapped up in his arms and being comforted by him was really nice and helped me forget how horrible I felt. Hugs do work miracles sometimes.

Well even though I was tired the other day (really tired) I managed to get my new glasses, which was a major errand I needed to get done. I needed to see better and hopefully do better @ work because of it. So as tired as I was the other day I went to the store and picked them up. They do look good on me. They are a little different as my husband pointed out then he thought I would choose, but he likes them on me and I like them too. I don’t’ know if I mentioned that I had gotten my hair done about a week ago when I had my eye exam. That helped boost my confidence level a little because I felt better about myself for taking care of that. I hadn’t done anything with my hair in months and it looked it. At least now it shows I car about my appearance. The glasses tie into this too because I didn’t seem to like the other frames that much. They were nice enough sure, but when I first got them the color seemed to stand out of I didn’t wear something pinkish or red. Over time the color seemed to fade some to a more bronzy color, but I really need a brownish or black color to match my brown hair color better. So I went with a plastic frame this time instead of metal and I think they are good on me.

Now if the stupid company I work for would send my health plan cards to me already phase 2 of my resolution can take shape. I plan on taking better care of my health. Part of that is getting back on the meds (as much as I hate having to be on like 3 or 4 of them, I feel like a medicine cabinet) that I need to be on. I need those hormones and definitely a run down on my blood levels to make sure that everything is good. Once that gets taken care I will feel better that @ least I am trying to take care of myself again.

Well hopefully today with sitting around I will be able to do something with my husband, at least spend time which is always good to do. Especially when you don’t see much of each other during the week as we do.

What a night

Hey all :-(

Well on a rather still depressed note, tonight sucks ass. My husband who when I got home kept us busy doing things like putting away laundry and cleaning the bathroom and making the bed with freshly laundered sheets. Add to the mix a 6 hour work day and a friend who was supposed to possibly come over who is ignoring my every attempt to talk with her because she just doesn't want to admit she doesn't want to hang out with me. It's all shitty.

I am in one of my rare moods where I want to do something and nobody wants to do something. It just really sucks and I just don't want to sit around the house either reading or watching t.v and I already went to the sites I really like to go to and I don't feel up to joiining in on my reading group discussion right now. So I am not in a good mood. Oh well No wonder my husband wanted to leave me. I can see why he would get sick of this kind of life. I do but for the most part I don't mind lying around the house doing nothing. Maybe he would have been better off then maybe he wouldn't have gotten so depressed and then ate to cover up the sadness and then got my depressed the fatter he got (you get the idea). I should just live alone with no one elses life to ruin. Well seeming how I'm in such a great mood I shoud go before things get ugly (though it's too late for me).

On an even sader note

Well I am getting more depressed thinking of how no matter what I do lately to loose weight (like eating lean cousine frozen meals boefore work instead of more fattening crap like I used to, taking weight control vitiams) I haven't lost weight. I don't eat much junk and the little I do sometimes during the week is greatly less then it was. Not only that, but the eye doctor wants me to get my blood sugar level checked because of how bad my eye site has gotten in less then a year's time. Add to the fat the fact that the medical condition I have needs me to be taking a tyrod pill (which i haven't taken in a long time because my husbad was on such expensive meds that we couldn't afford mine as well) and the same condition also stated by my doctor requires more sleep then normal people. She was shocked when Iwas subbing, working my regular job, and going to Master classes on line that I wasn't falling asleep on the job all the time. Now I see I dont' have the energy for anything. Granted lack of proper non interrupted sleep aside I just don't feel I have it anymore.

I don't know

Hey all :-( I am not in a good way today. As my previous post about the parking thing has stated. I am also upset about the fact that even though my husband has stayed with me and went and got this new place with me, I can't help but feel that it's not really what he wants since his operation anymore. Not just the house, but me. I get teh feeling sometimes that he just staying with me because he thinks it's the right thing to do, not what's right for him. If he doesn't do what's right for him then he's just going to end up getting all upset like his blogs showed him getting, and feeling boxed in again and this good Andy I have been being with since his attitude chance since the move is going to go away and then it will end up the way we were just 7 months ago, on the verge of divorce and fighting all the time, but this time it won't be because of neighbors.

Anyway I am getting the energy to get doing the few thigns I need to do (hopefully) and who knows from here what will happen. I just want what's best for both of us and not one of us sticking it out for the wrong reasons or whatever. WE both deserve better.

Anyway I need to go yell @ some collection people who are calling my house for someone who doesn't have my # anymore and get moving for the day.

Getting upset and tired

Hey all !! It's going to be another non productive day @ work tomorrow, which means less pay for me per hour because we get paid per our performance. This week hasn't been good in that area. At least Momday night when I got out of work My husband was outseid in his car waiting for me so he can move his car. Yesterday we had a snow storm and I had nicely told him not to bother waiting for me because if I drove slow (which I did) I would get home later then normal and instead of keeping him waiting all that time I said I'd get up this morning. Have it be the day of the week that I take my turn getting up (not that I ever wake him up usualy out of a deep sleep because he's up normally that late anyway, not like him who wakes me out of a dead sleep to move my car @ 5:00 am, but he's big on turns with this). So this morning his alarm goes off @ 4:30(even though he wasn't goign to work as early as he usually does) and that wakes me up, then I am finally getting back to sleep and he's waking me up to move the car, though he hasn't cleared them or started them yet. It snowed and they needed to be brushed off and warmed up, why not wait till after to wake me up??? Anyway I call tonight because I have things to do tomorrow that I need to be up for to be able to do and he doesn't answer. I call again an hour later and again he doesnt' answer but I leave a message. Come home expecting him to be out there and come home to find the light to the computer room still on and him no where to be found. He's alsleep in bed becaues he ate something that upset him and he got sick. for @ lest 2 hours he had been sleeping. I wake him up to find out what's wrong because he would never just up and leave the light on like that. He tells me he was sick I am standing there in my coat hoping he'd say lets move the cars and he doesn't. So then I am talking to as I am changing becaue it's apparent he's not going to move and we are talking a little and I say I guess your waking me up again then? and he says guess so. I said that's not fair two days in a row. I have stuff to do tomorrow and need to get rest not get up in the middle of my sleep time and then try to go back to sleep and then get up later then I want to and not end up being abel to do what I need to do. He says what's not fair is all the times he does it. I say well I don't wake you from a dead sleep your up usually anyway, your the one who wants to go in so early it's crazy and it woudl be fair is I was asking you to stay up or get up from a dead sleep, but because I don't where is it fair??

Now tomorrow is going to suck, I am going to be really tired, not want to get out of bed @ around 9 or 9:30 to get ready to do whta I have to do, I will be totally dead tired before I get to work that I won't do well (because on top of being tired already from this morning it will be two in a row) I'll never make it through work with doing well performance wise, which results in less pay. Then if he even moves his car this week I'll be so tired I'll be playing catch up the rest of the time and I have to work this Sat and longet then I normally do. So to get through the rest of the week I needed to not get up. This is crazy. I can't go all winter doing this. When it's bad out and I drive home slow and get home late, I can't be nice and say don't worry about moving the car.

That's the one thing I hate about this new house. The parking just sucks. There is no little jut for me to park my car out of the way of his or vice versa. I don't like asking him to do that.

I don't want to think that I think all bad things about my husband. I dont. I have said it many times that he's been helpfull this past week and that it's been wonderful to do things the way we've been. It just stinks that this parking thing has got to mess everything up. I can't unwind the way I want to from work because I have to worry about getting to bed earlier then I would because I know he's going to wake me up, I can't do what I want during the day because I feel so tired out I dont' feel like doing anything and before I know it its' time for work and I don't work as good as I should. It's just not fair. I know it's part of being married and life, but man I don't wake him from dead sleep and make him come out to move the car. Even when I did tonight he didn't even offer, didn't even cross his mind. When I am over tired I get cranky and over react to the stupidest things. That's when other fights start that wouldn't. Anyway I rambled enough. I will go now because I would like to read fo ra moment before having to force myself to bed before it gets too late.

Catching Up

Hey all !! I am catching up on all the things a long trip keeps you from being able to do. I went to visit my grandmother this weekend. Actually just a one day very long 10 hour day spent in the car for about a 2 hour visit with her. She is in a nurseing home in Mass. She is now pretty deaf and not really knowing who we are anymore. It's sad to see, but @ least @ 94 and me @ 30 I can say I still have her around. My other Grandparents are dead and she's the only one I have left. I hate seeing her not remembering who we are anymore from even 2 years before when she did. It is unusual for us to go this time of year, but because the weather has been warmer then usual for this time of year and we have no snow @ all, not just that the roads are clear, we took the opertunity to extend out monthly trips to this month. I was glad to be able to go this time. The last few times my Dad and Brother went I wasn't able to go becuase it was too short notice to work out getting off from work (yes I work on the weekends for 4 hours on Sat mostly), this time because I was able to work out getting off from work I was able to go. It was nice to see her. It was a nice car trip both ways and the weather was great for traveling.

I finally got the last few remaining Christmas things out of the house. Manily just taking the lights and garland off the tree and taking that down. I hadn't had to do that in the ladt 3 years so I forgot what a pain it is. Usualy at the other house I was able to store my tree with lights, garland and angel on. We don't have the space here @ the new place to do that so down it came. My husband was helpful too. While I was gone he put things up in the attic from our porch that needed to go up there and last night he helped put the last christmas bins from the porch up there. I felt bad leaving along all day on Sat going on this trip, but it was good to come home to him being awake and just seeing him. So that pretty much catches you up from the weekend.

I know I am not doing this right, but as anyone who reads this might have read, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. One site that I go to all the time is www.theleakycauldron.org. One thing they do is have a pod cast that is deadicated to Harry Potter. It's called PotterCast. They had things in the past where if you meantion them in your blog and link back to them or whatever there was some deal they would give you from their store. ANyway I am not looking for that because I don't even think they are doing that anymore, but I did want to meantion that I read their site and listen to their Podcast and lvoe both. Anyone who is a Potter fan should (if they don't already) go to the dite and listen to their Podcast. Now I also go to Mugglenet.com, but am trying to catch up on past Podcasts that I haven't listend to the Muggle boys Podcast yet so I can't say whether I like it or recomend it, though their site is really cool so I am sure their Podcast is cool. Well that's my little sale pitch for the two top sites I go to for Potter news and updates. Happy surfing !!

Old post finally posted

Well enjoy a post I wrote a couple of days ago that couldnt' be posted. Well write more later.


Hey all !!! Well I am taking apart my house from the holidays. Of course I decorated on my own and now taking it all down by myself. My husband didn't help last night when I asked him to (more on him later), and didn't even notice that the rest of the tree was undecorated. He did take out the garbage last night which was really cool and helpful. .He's been working extra hard lately and long hours.

The bad thing about this house is the parking situation. After working long hours for the last few day, it's finally catching up to my husband and even though he said he's be out side to move the car, he was asleep in his chair and listing to his MP3 player. So I had to get up @ 5 this morning to move my car so he can get out. Now I know it's fair to take turns if we were both going to get woken up to move cars, but seeming how most nights (except now with his long hours he's working this week) he's up @ 10 when I get out of work it's not like I am waking him out of deep sleep and he has to try to fall back to sleep like I do when he wants me to get up @ 5 or earlier to move my car. It took me so long to get back to sleep (@ least a half hour or more) and even after that it was on and off sleep not the real deep sleep I was having. I know trying to explain this to him would be like talking to a brick wall because he'll just get mad and want to keep taking turns. I mean if he is tired and then moves his car I know wakes him up a bit and he has to get tired again, but he doesn't need to leave for work @ 5 he can leave later @ a more human hour seeming how with training for his new department keeps him there till 4:30 and he doesn't really need to be there till 8am.

So this morning wasn't the best, but I am drinking coffee and am slowly waking up. Unfortunately not much got down that I wanted to get down and I have to start getting ready for work soon already.

I didn't mention this lately, but on top of the big changes that happened with moving and what not, my husband got hired to a different department with a pay raise and more chances for promotions and higher pay throughout his time there. I am very proud of him for taking the scary step of leaving the department he's been with for 5 years and moving on to something new. Unfortunately he's still close to some people that may cause a problem for us in the long run. He admitted to something concerning a one person and it scares me because my fear of him wanting other people instead of me after his surgery is coming true like I predicted. The worst thing that came from him having the surgery is this and new confidence to take on an affair if one or more of the people he's close to would just give him the ok. Even though he says he's not I have to wonder and makes me worry.

Anyway seeming how work calls I need to get going for now. Talk to you all soon.

Back to Normal

Hey all. I am glad that all teh holiday stuff is over. I didn't want to rush the holidays away. I love them and usually enjoy them very much. This year, however, with the move, the funeral, and the holidays all on top of each other I am glad to have things back to normal around here. I just need to finsih putting the rest of the christmas stuff away and then finally store it in the attic where it belongs and I'll be happy and finally things will be complete with the move. Not only will things be back to normal house wise, but work wise as well. It always messes things up when the holiday is in the week and what not. My husband had all this time off from just before christmas till today. So it was strange having him around. Not bad, but different and I had to work. So it ws nice to just have both of us back to work doing our normal thing and all.

Speaking of which I am now going to finish up my nightly wind down and get soem sleep soon. I think my new MP3 player is stopping me from getting some real rest. I know I sleep because before I know it I am so far in the book I am listening to that I don't remember hearing parts, but my brain keeps working and trying to listen and I think it's not letting me get enough rest. I need to stop falling alseep with it on. Though is is relaxing and that's why I started doing it. Either that or God forbid I am getting deeper sleep problems and I don't want to end up like husband was before his surgery.

Anyway heres to another night gone too quickly.

A New Year

Hey all. I know it's been a long, long time since my last post. Well there are a bunch of new things to update you all on. Well Since my last post so many months back, we did find a place (finally and too long of a story to really go into) and moved out of the other house. This new house is nice and I have a wonderfully comfortable feeling here. It is a little crowded and seems cluttered because we had too much stuff to try and fit into it from the otehr place. Especially when we first moved in. Boxes were everywhere and cramed in here that in what is now the computer room was so packed with boxes and stuff that just to put up blinds in the window, my dad and I had to move things out and in teh way in the living room and push other boxes and thing sout of the way just to make a small trail to get to the window. Of course now almost a month since the closing, the boxes are empty and things are put away and in their proper place. Now that that is done, it feels more like home and is fully functional. Of course there are still things that are not unpacked like all our books because we don't have enough bookshelves and space to figure out where to put one once we buy one. That is the only problem I really have with this place is that and the parking situation. Eitehr I have to call my husband just before leaving work so he can be up and in his car pulle dout on the street till I get there to pull in behind me or I have to get up @ 4:30 am to move my car out of his way so he can go to work. Hoepfully we'll be able to get something better figured out soon. Other then that the house is just fine. I am glad that all these months of worrying and packing and looking are behind us. I am also glad that my husband seems to be doing better along the lines of wanting to come home, not making me upset or miserable about not wanting to come home or go home wher we are out together because of neighbors. Speaking of which we still haven't meant any of our new ones. So things ended on a good note for 2006. Lets just hope that it continues through the new year.

The holidays were good for us. It was a crazy time to have guests and as much as I said I don't know about having the in-laws come up so soon after moving in for the holidays I am glad they came. It was a lot of work though getting all unpacked and settled and decorated for Christmas in such a short time (thank God for saved vacation time), but in the end it all worked out even though I did get a little stressed not thinking it was all going to get done in time. Add to that my 43 year old cousin dying and having a funeral to go to 4 days before Christmas into the mix and I was a down right mess. Again due to some miricle or someone watching over me all my shopping, unpakcing, decorating, and wrapping got done and the visit and the holidays went smoothly. I hope everyoen who reads this has a great new year and enjoyed their celebrating responcibily.