I do everything WRONG !!

Hey all !!

Well thsi weekend just goes to show how every thing I do is wrong. I have known this for some time, but things happen to remind me in a very strong way sometimes that no matter what I do it's wrong.

For those who care, my husband was supposed to go see his frineds this weekend, which he was looking forward too. I went to work as normal and he left to go meet his frineds. Well I called once from work and no one answered and checked messages and no one called. I thought well he's gone that's that no one called. I get out of work and continue on with the plans I had created for myself to keep myself busy while he was away. I call to check to see if he called to let me know he got where he was going and he answers. SURPRISE !!! My first mistake was to come home from my parents house (whom I was visiting and had plans to do some things with my Mom)to be around because I knew my husband would be upset by not being able to go see his frineds and I thought @ least me being around would help him not be so upset or get too depressed. Well that didn't work. He didn't talk to me much and I could tell he wanted to be alone. So I finished using my computer after a little time, went and empied the dishwasher, started filling it again, and cleaned the floor and counters and stove. Then went in the bedroom and read for awhile. Mistake # 2 was to come back out and try and talk to him again. He was listing to his MP3 player and would only stop it for 2 seconds and wouldn't let me really say anything without having to talk above teh music or whatnot. So that was considered bugging/annoying him trying to ask him to do something with me even though it wouldn't be the same as hanging with his frineds. He dind't want to hear it or deal with me @ all or act like I was even there @ all. So I went back in teh bedroom because he stated he didn't want to be bothered and wanted me to leave him alone PERIOD !!! So I cancled the rest of my plans for my frined to come over and while he used the computer and living room, I stayed in teh bedroom, read, and then took a nice long unrushed shower and went in the kitchen and baked. Not too bad actually, but I hated feelign like I coudln't go in otehr part of the house in case it upset him again.

Sunday he was a little better, but still upset so when he didn't get ready to go to church I didn't care and left and did my own thing. Came home and things were ok. Then late that night I was tired, he was tired, he coudln't find a cover for his headset for his MP3 and threw it. So I find the missing cover and set his player on the table near him, and of course committed mistake # 3. I said I wish he dind't act like a baby sometimes when thigns are expensive like that player and he shouldn't throw it @ least. Of couse that leads to him feeling confronted and he lashes out and the ngiht ends badly.

Of course if you read his blog and his friends do, everyone thinks I go out of my to annoy him and mkae him miserable. I guess without meaning to do so I do. I don't blam him for feeling bad with the way I do thigns sometimes or things I say, though he does things that do the same to me, but for some reason that's ok. Of course his frineds don't have to live with him and must not really have an idea on how touchy living with him can be. Though I really don't help I guess. My attempts @ trying to be less bothersome to him and more understanding hasn't worked very well. Though as the title of this blog clues you in on, it's doesn't matter because somehow if I had done those things differently, the opposite decisions would have turned out wrong in some way too. So all these years I thought I was going to be able to find the right guy and things were going to work out just great, well I was wrong and it's not his fault, it has to do with me. I have some problems that I don't know what they are but some how got to work them out or I am just going to ruin this marragie more then I have. I guess his frineds were right and he shoudn't have come up here and shoudln't have married me unless I stayed there and even then things probably wouldn't work. I just can't seem to do things right.

To top all this crap @ home, work hasn't been goign well either. Few stupid mistakes and less production lately for some reason has made things there seem down too. So no matter where I am right now things are just not working. I think I need to do everyone a favor and find a place where I can be by myself, not ruin others lives and let my husband have the life he deserves to have with someone else before it's too late for him to be happy. For me happiness seems to allude me and doesn't seem to be something that will come with interaction with people.

I guess I know what needs to be done, though like him, I guess there is a part of me that doesn't want to do it. Though I am sure it will be best, though it doesn't feel like it. I don't know I guess I am just confused and upset by all that's gone on.